Welcome To My Scotland, and some of our Scottish humour.
This is where I take a more lighthearted look at our country and our people. Now, it’s highly unlikely anyone will be offended, as one of the great traits of the Scottish people is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously. We really do like a good laugh, especially at ourselves.
I mean, we travel in our thousands all over the world to support our national football team in major tournaments like the European Championships and The World Cup Finals. On our way there we’re already cracking jokes about getting the first plane back because we know we’ll be knocked out at the first stage, BUT WE GO ANYWAY.
Not only that, our famous football fans, THE TARTAN ARMY, come back with EUFA awards for being the best behaved and friendliest supporters.
OK, while we’re on the subject of football, let’s kick off….Did you know, in Scotland football referees have been sponsored by Specsavers! No kidding!
Just how ‘canny’ are we Scots?
In Scots’ dialect canny means careful, especially with money, but we’re not miserly…… It’s purely a coincidence that when wee Sandy dropped a £1 coin, it hit him on the back of the head as he bent to pick it up!!!
On the same note, Alistair from Falkirk tells me that copper wire was invented when 2 Scotsmen were fighting over a penny. (It’s not true!)
About time we got to the kilt, isn’t it?
Ask any Scotsman : What’s worn under the kilt?
He’ll likely reply : “Nothing! Everything’s in good working order!”
Is this our most used adjective?
Part of our Scottish culture is the use of the adjective “wee” meaning small. I find it hilarious, and people from outwith Scotland probably find it confusing…..
You hear Scots saying things like … I think I’ll have a WEE cup of tea, or I’m going to have a WEE whisky. It gets confusing when we say things like “I’ve got a day off tomorrow, so I think I’ll have a WEE LONG LIE? … Eh??
But when we refer to a person for example, WEE Jimmy, It’s because JIMMY REALLY IS WEE!! My Scotland …. I just love it.
And what about the women in my Scotland?
Wee Archie rushed home from school to tell his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
“Whit part have ye got” she says.
“I play the part of a husband” says Archie, proudly.
“Well she says, just get right back there and tell that teacher you want a speaking part!”
My Scotland News Report….
Due to severe weather it’s been reported that a wig was seen blowing down Argyle Street. Police have advised not to approach it as….
….. “It’s aff it’s heid!”
Continuing with Scottish Humour:
School 1977 Vs School 2007
Many a true word is spoken in jest but….
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings held, video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1977 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 – Ants die.
2007 – MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
My thanks to Lynn from Greenock for this one.
My Scotland: For Anyone Over 40
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van – loose – was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….
….. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, get your kids to read it so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?
PS – Maybe the type should be bigger because your eyes
are shot at your age.
My Scotland: Only In Scotland
Being Scottish is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most Scottish thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in My Scotland can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Scotland do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in My Scotland do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Scotland do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in My Scotland do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in My Scotland do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in My Scotland are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Scots die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Scots were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Scots are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Scots have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Scots have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. Scottish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Scots had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive 543 Scots were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Scots were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Scots were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
MY SCOTLAND, LOVE IT….. OR LEAVE IT!
Jock Says :
Have you enjoyed this page? C’mon then, get more of My Scotland! Have a look at the Old Scottish Sayings page for some of the funniest things your old granny used to say.